Bollywood Masala

We’ve seen it all: from the glamourous, ‘sophisticated’ item numbers to those ‘masaledaar’ ones in villages. Either way, Bollywood always finds a way to bring you entertainment – especially through item numbers. Whilst they may not add intellectual value to your cinematic experience, they definitely bring you the mindless entertainment that everyone needs. And who said item numbers were particularly relevant to the plot of the film? As viewers of Indian cinema, we have learned not to expect plot-propelling sequences in the form of item numbers. But who has never attempted to break it down to one of these catchy songs? If you haven’t, you can start off with this list, and if you have – well, remind yourself all over again!

The Top 10 on this list does not necessarily comprise of item numbers that were hits, but also ones which were slightly appalling in their presentation. So, get ready for some more latkas and jhatkas, as Bollywood Masala brings you some tadka.

10. Ishq Kamina (Shakti): One of the longest item numbers at 5 minutes and 20 seconds, there are too many amusing factors which contributed to the ‘masti’ factor of this song. Draw your attention to the dance steps which made everyone look slightly like drunk mice – but we can seek comfort in the fact that the pelvic thrust in circular motion is one step that everyone can do. Apart from the fact that Shah Rukh Khan held an expression of surprise with his mouth open everytime he looked at Aishwarya Rai, the dancing, sets, and background dancers took this song to the level an item number needs – and ultimately brought it to number 10 on our list!

Favourite Moment: The ending when Shah Rukh rolls over amidst patches of hay and yells, “BUT I LOVE ISHQ, BABUA!” (followed by the infamous pelvic thrust).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7V5eGUECUA&feature=results_video&playnext=1&list=PL0EECFCB78857B943

(Click the link to watch it from 5:20 onwards!)

9. Kajra Re (Bunty aur Babli): Yes, it’s Aishwarya Rai again. This time, as a traditional ‘dancer’, with Abhishek and Amitabh Bachchan. The Qawaali style fused with Western elements proves to be an interesting combination – and everyone in the theatres definitely thought so, as the song was specifically played in the cinema even after the movie left theatres. Aishwarya Rai’s expressions are, as usual, slightly fake but they do the job as Amitabh Bachchan hits on her (which is slightly awkward now…).

Favourite Moment: The “clap-clap-eye” step… which you can see almost every two seconds. Oh, and the fast part at the end when Aishwarya Rai looks like she can’t breathe.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=js58W5Z5Tko&feature=related

8. Beedi (Omkara): Bipasha Basu’s thumkas bring all the villagers to the bar, and they’re like, “ARREY, TU BADI HOT HO, YAAR!” Who doesn’t want hips like Bips? From the slower beginning to the build up, everything about Beedi is mesmerizing. Saif Ali Khan and Vivek Oberoi play the perfect drunk dancing men, and Bipasha Basu pulls off “pulling the rope”. Overall, the song is catchy and fun – not as glitzy as usual item numbers, but that’s what puts it on this list. Also, note the sheer number of people in Bips’ vicinity – if so many people are having fun, then so are we!

Favourite Moment: Vivek Oberoi’s ecstatic face (throughout the entire song, so it’s not much of a ‘moment’, but we don’t get to see this expression very often).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLJCtZK0x5M&feature=relmfu

7. Chiggy Wiggy (Blue): Enough said. What was Kylie Minogue thinking? More importantly, WHAT WAS AKSHAY KUMAR THINKING ARRIVING WITH THAT CHANDELIER?! Kylie’s strange lyrics coupled with the desi lyrics don’t work… whilst they are admittedly amusing (and kind of catchy). The main “Chiggy Wiggy” step in the chorus makes us shake our head but at the end of the day, someone had to bring this item number into the spotlight – it acted as a precursor for other Hollywood stars such as Snoop Dogg (in Singh is Kinng) to sing for Bollywood, and who says we really know what’s happening half the time in item numbers?

Favourite Moment: Akshay Kumar’s grand entrance followed by Kylie Minogue’s flabbergasted expression.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5R5QvXSRtg&feature=related

(Click the link to watch it from 1:37-1:44, followed by more strange dancing.)

6. Mit Jaaye Gham (Dum Maaro Dum): From the strange, terrestrial background to Deepika’s equally wild hair, this item number just didn’t seem to work. The animalistic steps matched with the butchered old classic, “Dum Maaro Dum the only shining elements of the item number were her golden/white highlights. They murdered an Indian classic and it was just plain creepy with the screaming rapping person in the vocals.

Favourite Moment: None.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-Rz01KeNNA&feature=fvwrel

5. Chaiyya Chaiyya (Dil Se): This is the first item number that made dancing on trains popular (and people still remember it!) We would be lying to you if we said that this item number became as famous as the movie. Dancing on trains was made to look effortless, and not the least bit odd. Shah Rukh Khan, was as usual, wonderful – and the best part about this item number is that it shies away from being pretentious or even the slightest bit fake – Malaika Arora Khan in her folk avatar, the scenery, and AR Rahman’s music are only a few of the elements that make “Chaiyya Chaiyya” a classic hit as an item number.

Favourite Moment: Shah Rukh Khan’s fist pumping.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90l3CqB9wL8&feature=fvst

(From 4:23-4:30, and to watch SRK rock it out with a violent head bob, watch from 1:40 to 1:45).

4. Babuji Zara Dheere Chalo (Dum): What makes “Babuji” so different is the transition between two different settings, along with the music. Whilst we enjoy the rural, folk elements, we are also able to dance to the much slower and more ‘modern’ part of the song. This item number overflows with enthusiasm and undoubtedly captures the essence of entertainment. We may have missed what exactly happens between Yana Gupta’s village character to her dancing in the cave/bar, but nevertheless, we remember this item number for all the “Babujis” who were addressed.

Favourite Moment: the random man who enters in the white kurta, dancing like there’s no tomorrow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCvFxPRL_5g

(Click on the link to join in with him from 0:57!)

3. Sheila Ki Jawaani (Tees Maar Khan): “I know you want it but you’re never gonna get it…” Yes, we know, Sheila. We know. The scandalous opening to the item number, to her belly dancing to the‘clapping’ step in the chorus, the number had all of it - but the climax (or anti-climax…) was definitely Akshay’s entry as Farah Khan added more ‘masala’ to the dance number. Katrina definitely learned to dance, and well, Akshay Kumar played the role of a nonsensical, overly enthusiastic man, evidently high on life – does this remind you of something else? (perhaps his strange dancing in Chiggy Wiggy?) Either way, all of you now know about Sheila ki Jawaani.

Favourite Moment: The celebrated “Sheila” step in which she claps her hands to the left and then to the right – we all wanted to know how to do that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcKtDXUb6Cg

(From 0:42-0:44)

2. Munni Badnaam Hui (Dabangg): From Munni’s entry, to the crowd of village men around her, this was full on masala, tadka, thumkas, latkes, and jhatkes! Munni’s attitude, Salman’s dashing entry, and her intoxicating dance moves left everyone in need for some Jhandu Balm. Everyone wants to be Munni or everyone wants Munni, and it is for that reason that Munni will always be remembered in the history of Bollywood’s item numbers.

Favourite Moment: the ‘Jhandu Balm’ step.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jn5hsfbhWx4 (0:43 - 0:46)

1. Chikni Chameli (Agneepath): people either hate this song, or love it. But please, this song should break a Guinness World Record – who can light a matchstick with their cleavage?! (I’m sure everyone was wondering the same thing.) Whilst we contemplate whether that was meant to signify Katrina’s ‘hawtness’, Kancha’s amused expression juxtaposed with Hrithik’s unimpressed one continues to entertain us in flashes throughout the entire song. Especially as Agneepath wasn’t particularly jubilant, this item number provides just what we all needed – a distraction from the revenge dripping with blood, violence, and corruption in the movie, and Katrina doesn’t leave much to the imagination when it comes to her dancing (whether it is with the dusty bottles of ‘pahua’, or with the chandelier as seas of men wave up to her).

Favourite Moment: Katrina Kaif lighting a match in a rather ‘interesting’ way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZcOEaHq3gg

(Get ready, from 0:35 to 0:38.)

So, there you go: our list of Top 10 Item Numbers in Bollywood. Ladkis, dance to them, and you’ll definitely get your ladka. And ladkas, have fun surrounding those heroines while you can - item numbers were made for a reason!

HITS AND MISSES OF 2011

On special request for the anon who asked, we’ve compiled what we think are the Hits and Misses of 2011. Let us know what you think!

HITS:

Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara:

Definitely the biggest hit of the year, both critically and commercially, there is no surprise that it’s here. The film is a poignant journey which urges all to seize the day. Sprinkled with memorable scenes and polished by Javed Akhter’s beautiful poetry, it’s a great watch. And yet, it falls short in my eyes. The film seems a faint echo of the dynamic Dil Chahta Hai and the underlying sadness marred certain aspects. Nonetheless, the excellent soundtrack and witty script made the film a must watch!

Don 2:

Finally, a Shahrukh film which smoothly transitions out of the loverboy role without seeming gaudy. The sequel was much better than the first movie and will surely set the audiences on edge. Be amazed by Shahrukh’s convincing display of an enigmatic mastermind, which makes up for that disaster venture, Ra.One. Props to Akhtar as well for developing such an intelligent and riveting script as well. Although the film can be accused of being too western, its certainly a must watch from 2011!

Rockstar:

Despite the craze and critical acclaim, I’m going to call Rockstar the “near miss which somehow ended up on the hit list”. The film is one of two parts. The first half has the much required charm missing in many new Bollywood movies (with the exception of EMAET). Ranbir Kapoor’s acting is faboulous as the shy JJ and his transformation into Jordan, the rockstar with a devil may care attitude even more so. Yet the film seems to falter from its promising beginning after the intermission as it begins to lose pace and appears emotionally repetitive. Perhaps the weight was too much for Kapoor who trudges soulfully through the second half, or perhaps it was because of the shabby script that dragged the plot along, and called for flashbacks to the first bit of the film. The reason why the movie’s on the hit list is because of the amazing music and the moments of pure cinematic joy which shine through, yet the second half dulls the film’s potential.

Delhi Belly:

 Delhi Belly is just plain good fun. No real twists in the plot, yet it somehow strays from the typical hungama mix up film stereotype. The film reflects the growing westernization of the youth audience who want something more raw than previous molly coddling bollywood romance films had offered and boy does it show! The film has edge, appeals to non Indian audiences and has witty dialogues and lyrics (see Bhaag DK Bose). This is an example of a film which has furthered an already explored niche and done so in an artful way! Delhi Belly was incredibly appealing to the Indian youth, who delved into the swearing and adult scenes with gusto - but the film did leave the older generations cringing. Nonetheless, Delhi Belly had great script, great eye candy and great directing.

No One Killed Jessica:

Bollywood is often called out for the lack of realism infused into films - but “No One Klled Jessica” definitely proved this statement false. Inspired by the Jessica Lal murder case, the film starred Rani Mukherji as a feisty journalist fighting for justice, a character reminiscent of the role she played in “Veer Zaara”. No One Killed Jessica is incredibly powerful, and does a good job of portraying the helplessness that accompanies the corruption prevalent in our judicial system. Considering this could have emerged to be a boring documentary, the fast paced, exciting nature of No One Killed Jessica made the film a hit in our books.

MISSES:

Bodyguard:

Probably the worst film I have seen in sometime, the fact that it broke records only saps my faith in the junta. The film is resoundingly stupid and done to death. One would have thought Siddique would have at least directed something decent on his third venture at the same movie, but once again the audience remains tortured. After watching the film, the recipe for creating a blockbuster seems to be ridiculous gravity defying stunts; crass dialogue coupled by bumbling sidekicks and a fear striking ultimate weapon-a toy helicopter. The film plays off of poor slapstick humour, homophobia and retardation. The film neither deserves the attention it received and only further blackens Bollywood’s name on the international market. If you’re feeling slightly masochistic, go ahead and give it a watch. Your eyes will bleed. This was the first and only film I’ve deleted off my torrent list. Do NOT come even within 2 kilometers of it!

Mausam:

The sole reason why this movie appears on the “misses” list is because it’s just not spectacular. There is nothing here we haven’t seen before! The same old love story greets the audience. Boy has never thought about girls before. Suddenly meets girl, falls in love with her. Add some political tension to spice things up… Presto! Movie done! The miserable hack job called “Mausam” plays it safe and hangs onto the curtails of the tried and tested formula. BORING! Acting is mediocre, so even that can’t save it. Cinematography is great, but not stunning. Mausam is definitely not awesome.

Ra.One:

The film wasn’t overtly horrible… it could even be an Oscar nominee! When compared to Bodyguard that is…. Building off of the Hollywood Superhero craze SRK decided to vest in his “dream VFX loaded” project. The end result? Ra.One. Probably the biggest let down was the incoherent identity of the film. Is it meant to be funny? A family film? A serious hero adaption? Perhaps if the first 20 mins of the movie were completely cut out it would make for a much better film. His acting as the a nerdy Tamil father was just insulting (to South Indians and the institution of acting) and probably his most unflattering performance to date. SRK definitely vested much energy into the project, roping in Priyanka Chopra, Sanjay Dutt and Rajinikanth in cameo roles; getting Akon to compose the title song and going on a mass media campaign for the film. The plotline is flimsy, but not as paper thin as Bodyguard. It was a huge rip off of Iron Man, the Terminator and super hero movies 101, yet somehow it managed to destroy all the conventional elements. Visually, it is very impressive, on par with Hollywood for sure-they even managed to make SRK look young! Yet our blue eyed hero could not save the film which is missing solid direction and a well written script. The unnecessary attempts at humour just peter out into this poor attempt at hero making.